starting with something intimate here is the photo of myselves when i was lik 3-4, i mean look in those eyes, somehow it makes me wanna cry, it feels so like idk gutting thinking that this small inoccent eyed child will has to go through a lots of bad things in his life
Let me think: it was probably 2024 when I woke up, not like the way you wake up in the morning, but like awakening. I don’t know what caused it. When I think of my life from 2004 till now, I don’t know any instance before 2024 when I felt awakened or had any sort of control.
I was just reacting; nothing else. There was no proactiveness; I didn’t decide anything. There was no reasoning involved.
The best way I can put it is i had no agency; the question might seem trivial, but no matter how hard I agonize, nothing comes to my mind.
I used to be detached from reality; there was no correlation between reality and the notions in my mind, i used to live in my own fantasy world some days i was geralt of rivia others i was Naruto Uzumaki or one of my favourites Trevor belomont i loved that line of his “I’m Trevor Belmont of House Belmont”, its endless i can literally name a fuck ton of characters and stories that i have watched, read & heard.
It wasn’t all fiction; a large portion of it was SCIENCE & Entrepreneurship too. I remember I have read multiple books on entrepreneurial biographies and memoirs; I used to watch Discovery, Discovery Science, and National Geographic all day when I was a teenager
I mean, you can call me a nerd.
So when you wake up, those stories don’t leave, that grandiose spirit. It’s there; I have lived those lives, and after the awakening, I can’t accept being just a normal person. If you know me by any chance, then you might notice I act differently even though I have lived among common people. Why? Because I haven’t really lived among normal people; it has all been those great fictional characters. So, when I actually felt like I can act as I think, I chose not to be normal because I simply don’t know how to act normal/Average its alien to me. I try to fit in, but it’s super hard.
It’s new to act as a normal human being to live in between average kind, but I don’t give up even though it hurts. There is a place for me on this earth
After setting up this premise, now let me tell you about my story regarding change since, let’s say 2023; I haven’t lived in the same place for more than a year; it’s always been change, and you can say the same for the people too. I have no contact with my schoolmates, nor my batchmates from the drop year. It’s always been me.
I change every 2-3 months, either physically or psychologically. It has gotten so far that sometimes I can’t even keep up with myself; for example, it’s July, and I don’t even look like what I used to be in January.
Talking about changes its not like they are very big changes its more like a weighted average(where the weight given to the average is small). If you are not familiar with the concept, just know that I change slowly, not too much at a time, so that I end up overwhelming myself.
I feel like writing this because I am near the minima of the function(not sure if it’s local or global, probably local). Well, again, if you don’t know anything about it, then assume I am near my Final form; more or less, it will take me less than a year from now on to become what I truly wanted to be.
Change is pretty overwhelming and stress-inducing, not gonna lie. You figure something out, and instead of settling down, now you have another thing to tackle
There are multiple things that need to be changed, and sometimes you might realise you changed the thing in the wrong way, and now you have to revert the change; it’s an endless cycle of doing and failing.
There is this thing about living between normal people and having a belief to do something great; it tears you apart. The most agonizing thing is that your reality dosent matches with your thought process; it will hurt. It will hurt you more than you think it can.
But here is the thing.
The reality dosnet match the mindset, or your notion. Here are two simple options.
1- Change the mindset to match your reality
2- Work super hard so that your environment bends to your mindset
If you choose the second option, as I did, you will have to bear pain and suffering. It will mold you into a different character, and as I said, the changes will not be sudden; they will be gradual. Slowly, day by day, you will see the results of your honest work.
At some point, exactly where I am, you will be questioning your own existence. Asking, who even am I? and it’s ok; I actually feel like it’s ok to not know yourselves.
One thing though as i have realised recently, well i knew it before hand but i realise it now that to actually know who you are you have to be rich first just like that naval ravikant podcast where he says something like “Lets get you rich first, you find out who you are lets get you rich first” or that chamaths clip where he says “get the fucking money” because you need to actually free yourselves from burden of thinking in a resource scarce way, i didnt acutally felt that because i never realised the hands that feed you also posses the power to starve you. So, being financially independent gives you the freedom to actually be who you are; nobody can question your decisions anymore because you made them while risking your own resources.
I’mmoving back to college in a few days, and I had this feeling again, so I decided to share it this time.
Also, this is the most real that I can be; I might seem different in person, but it’s me in the purest form. I’m sorry if the sentence formation feels janky and grammar seems incorrect; I intend to keep this as raw as possible, lmao :)
might refine it later as i read it again and again.